Better Late Than Never?

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, probably because I never keep mine.  I should refer to it as the first thing I will not follow through with this year.  This year I decided to skip the extreme cleanse and the ridiculous exercise regimen and go with trying to correct something that I have struggled with for years and know I can fix it over time.  I decided to become more aware of my time.

As my husband says, I need a time manager.  I am always late and always in a hurry.  I realize that I not only effect myself, but I effect my whole family and it just isn’t fair.  I know it is looked down upon when you are late, flustered, and in a rush.  It’s not that I am unorganized or that I do not consider other’s time as precious as mine.  I just underestimate the time it will take me to complete tasks, large and small.  I thought, wake up lady!  I really do need a time manager and I'm a big girl, so that falls into the long list of my responsibilities.  I need to give myself real perspective on how long things will take.  Whether it is a commute, a gourmet meal, or a craft project.   I constantly underestimate how much time is involved with completing tasks.

I find myself being pushed right up to a due date or a start time and not only do I get stressed but I snap at my husband and expect my three year old to function as an 25 year old so we can be on time.  I lose precious time with my daughter.  Time that I could be spent allowing her to help me and learn from what we are doing together.  I needed to fix this for myself and for the sake of everyone else that depends on me.
I decided to fix my bad habit by taking the amount of time that pops into my head to complete a given task, then I increase my time allotment by 50-75%.  In time, I hope to have more realistic estimations in my head, but until then, I overestimate like crazy.  I am utilizing my electronic calendars and reminders more which is helping.  If anything, I have time to spare and a lot less stress all around.  It is still a struggle and I need to stop and really think about, but it will become part of who I am over time.
My status report is that I have only been late two times since the beginning of the year.  One time I tried to cram in an errand, shame-shame!  The second time was just by a few minutes and it was due to a nap.  My daughters, not mine.  LOL!
I decided to share this because I think it is important to set attainable goals for ourselves and be proud when we achieve them.  Being on time may not be your goal, but it just goes to show that putting your mind, time, and effort into something pays off.

Until Next Time,
Blair

Mommy's Separation Anxiety

I recently enrolled my daughter in preschool and not necessarily because I thought it was the right step in her education.  I must confess that I did not want to enroll her, but she asked to go to school.  How could we say no?  So, I signed her up.  I think it's the fact that she is always with me and if she isn't with my husband or I, she is with one of our parents.  We aren't overprotective, well maybe I am a bit, but my in-law's live very close and always help out, so why call in an outside babysitter.
To test the waters, I took her to the supervised kids play area at the gym.  I was anxious to say the least.  Either the women that work in there thought I was crazy or they thought, oh no, not one of these moms.  I literally choked up.  With water in my eyes, I was asking their procedures.  They don't take them to the bathroom (they page me and I can take her), she needs socks to go in the play tubes and slides, & I need the wristband they assign me when dropping her off to pick her up.  Straight forward and simple stuff.  I took her to the bathroom one last time before I left and said to her, "Give me a kiss." and she did.  I left slowly and she ran off to play immediately, without a second thought.  I went through the gates and door and walking slowly, I watched her throughout the glass wall and she was already having a blast.  I took a few steps out of sight from her and went back.  "Oh, no!"  I thought, "Were did she go in three seconds?!"  As I walked back into sight of all the women that work in the care center, they all looked at me and pointed to her at the same time and smiled.  They must have thought I was a kook!  Where could she have gone in three second with five women watching her?  Ummm, she stepped over to the play kitchen that was just out of site.  What was I worrying about?  She would do great in there.  She is always asking to play with other kids.
Off to the locker room I went.  I dropped off my bag and headed into the gym.  I take two step on the elliptical and look over to see three other moms with the wrist band on.  Oh shit!  I forgot the wrist band.  Epic mom fail!!!  What was I thinking?!   Obviously I wasn't.  I felt awful and hurried back to the locker room, took it out of my bag, and put it on...tight!  I head back to the gym and step back onto the elliptical.  Now I manage to get five step on there and all of a sudden I hear over the intercom, "Blair Kramer, please report to the kid's care center."
My heart sank to my stomach,  I knew this was a bad idea.  I felt like I was a bad mom.  I jumped of the machine and scurried to the kids area with fear on my face and in my heart.  The woman at the door immediately said, "She's fine!  She said she had to poop."  I had to literally laugh out loud!  Her favorite word at the moment is poop and she is so matter a fact about going to the bathroom.  What a relief, she was fine.  I think I was glad that I had an excuse to see on how she was doing.  Bathroom run went fine and again I asked for a kiss, this time she blew me one and ran off.  Half of me was broken hearted, but the other half was relieved that she was having a great time.
Needless to say, I went to finish, actually, I went to start my workout.  When I was finished and showered, I went to get her, wristband and all.  She was helping the ladies clean up the play area.  I asked the women how she did.  They said she did great and they could use more kids like her!  Oh my!  All that worry for nothing.  I guess not for nothing, I love and care about my daughter so much and she is our life, but she is growing up and needs interaction with other children for her development.  The anticipation was definitely a struggle and was a bit painful to be honest, but to see my daughter playing and having fun was worth it.
What do they say?  "It's more painful for us than them."  How true is that?!  I survived and in a odd way I was proud of her.  To her she was having fun playing and making friends, but without even knowing it, she put me at ease.

Until next time,
Blair

My Own Fifty Shades, An Evolution Of Emotions…

Before I even started Fifty Shades Of Grey, I had many assumptions because of all the talk regarding these books.  It was mommy porn (nothing wrong with that), it was just a housewife’s fantasies, and it was filled with kinky dominating sex.  At one point I even heard that it was demeaning to women.  I was a bit reluctant to read them at first, but realizing that these books where becoming a pop culture staple, I gave in.

Once I began to read, I was filled with anticipation.  I loved this book and I had not even read about the kinky sex yet!  The wonder of what was coming would not allow me to put the book down.  I was addicted.  I wanted Christian Grey and wanted to be Anastasia Steele.  Then bam!  Finally, the hot sex hit me.  It was eye opening.  The lines being read made me consider that I may like some “other” things in the boudoir.  It wasn’t just the obvious spanking, restraining, and hair pulling that intrigued me.  I never realized trust and decision-making or the relinquishing of control were such sexy things.  These are important to me and I rely on them on a daily basis, a bazillion times a day.  I am a control freak!  To turn trust over to someone to make the decisions and keep me safe while in such a vulnerable situation, I never realized that these things could raise my intimacy to the next level.  I trust my husband and he makes decisions all of the time, but I always feel the need to maintain a level of order and supervision.  All I do all day long is make decisions, as a mother, wife, running a household, & as a business owner.  Could I find it in myself to let go and free myself of this burden, just for a small amount of time to achieve this intense intimacy?  It could be liberating and mind-blowing.

As I reached about half way through the second book, I became disheartened.  All the anticipation and excitement had now worn off and I was starting to compare my real life to this fantasy.  I started a crude and callous evaluation of myself.  I was a shell of who I thought I would be at this time in my life.  What was I lacking?  I have all of the main components that look great from the outside, like a great husband and daughter, a beautiful home, a business, but where were the main components that matter deep down to my inner being?  Myself.  My.  Own.  Self.

Was I happy?  Was I enough for my marriage?  Did my husband feel passion for me anymore?  How could he have passion for me if I did not have passion for myself?  I was coming apart at the seams.  This is right about the time when I wrote my previous post titled My Sister To The Rescue, where I revealed the details of a breakdown I had at my sister’s house.  I was wondering if I was failing at my life, my marriage, as a mother, at my business.   All of the “what could have been’s” were running through my mind.  Was I going to be a good enough example for my daughter, a strong enough role model?  Will I be able to emphasize to see the world and explore who she is and what she wants, if I am incomplete?  How would she be able to take advice from me?  Am I enough for my husband?  Am I sexy enough, strong enough, independent enough?  Professionally, how can I expect people to trust my opinion, when I don’t trust myself?  I am a 32 year old that feels like a 12 year old.  All of these feelings were spinning around me and I was in the center of the tornado.

Then my revelation happened!  After crying it out to my sister and a day of analyzing all of the thoughts running through my mind, I had an epiphany, many epiphanies.  One after another, building on each other like a volcano that was on the brink of eruption.  It wasn’t everyone else; it was me, myself, and I!  I have all of these perceptions of my relationships, and myself, but that is exactly what they were, perceptions, not realities.  The reality is that I am amazing.  I have the most loving husband who thinks I am damn sexy.  My daughter thinks I’m a great mom.  I have family and friends around me that are loving and supportive.  My business is slow because I have not put energy into it, not because I am bad at what I do.  I found the strength in myself that I had so carelessly and absentmindedly forgot I possessed.  I got married, bought a house, and become a new mother in a matter of a couple of years, and I lost myself in it all.  I finally remembered that I could do anything.  I recently lost twenty pounds (first time I have stuck to a goal since graduating from college).  I built a fence in my garden, a damn strong fence and I stood by that fence with a glass of wine in my hand and a huge smile on my face, feeling pride.  Pride in myself.  I had misplaced those feelings for myself.  I am a smart strong woman that has great ideas who can establish goals and not just meet them, but surpass them.

At this point I had finished all three books, amazing, I might add.  At the risk of sounding cliché, these books have changed my life and not in a sex deprived attention starved housewife kind of way.  Maybe it was perfect timing, divine intervention, or just simply that all the things in my life aligned perfectly?  Who knows?  But I am back.  Self aware, empowered, reassured, sexy, smart, & confident.  People are looking at me and treating me differently.  Is this because I am acting differently?  Is this because I am different?  It is because I am finally seeing what has always been here.  What we give off is what we get back.  If I feel sexy, I am sexier.  If I feel happy, I am happier.  Only I can change the things that need changing in my life.  I have to be happy to expect people to see happiness.  I have realized that my husband is not just trying to “get laid”, he actually thinks I am a sexy being and wants me, all of me.

I think women could learn some important life lessons when reading these books.  Let us all walk taller, feel sexier, and be happier.  We need to worry less of what others think of us and focus on what we think of ourselves.  As women , we need to support each other, appreciate each other's beauty and accomplishments, not knock each other down.  Embracing each other will make us stronger individuals.  When did it become impossible to be sexy, smart, strong, and confident all at the same time?  I feel as if we are taught that it is impossible to possess all of these qualities equally and still be successful.  It seems extremely difficult to be smart and strong while being sexy and confident in our society and still be taken seriously and without ridicule.  Woman’s liberation should be about utilizing everything we have, not just our minds.  We can exude sex without demeaning ourselves; we can be empowered by it.  I have realized that I can have control, control of myself and how I choose to be, how I choose to feel, and what I choose to accomplish.

Most importantly, I am taking away from these books appreciation and realization.  I now appreciate each and every day and I realize all that I have and all that I am.  My business is transforming and becoming revitalized now that I am putting effort into it.  My life has become more organized and less stressful, even as I am accomplishing more.  My daughter is amazing!  When the stress of parenthood comes along, I remind myself of all the happiness she brings into our lives and that she is only three so I need to exercise a bit of patients.  I can let go and lose control a little and everything will still be okay, maybe things will be even better.  I have an amazing, hard working husband that loves me.  Our relationship has only become better because I am accepting of all the happiness and love he gives.  Our intimacy has grown to a new level and the great sex is icing on the cake!  I am fulfilled: my mind, my body, and my soul.

And now, maybe I shall read them again!

Until next time,

Blair

P.S.

My pick for who should play Christian and Ana if these books become a movie…

Gabrielle Macht and Emmy Rossum (pictures from fanpop.com & buzzlogin.com)