Before I even started Fifty Shades Of Grey, I had many
assumptions because of all the talk regarding these books. It was mommy porn (nothing wrong with that),
it was just a housewife’s fantasies, and it was filled with kinky dominating
sex. At one point I even heard that it
was demeaning to women. I was a bit
reluctant to read them at first, but realizing that these books where becoming
a pop culture staple, I gave in.
Once I began to read, I was filled with anticipation. I loved this book and I had not even read
about the kinky sex yet! The wonder of
what was coming would not allow me to put the book down. I was addicted. I wanted Christian Grey and wanted to be
Anastasia Steele. Then bam! Finally, the hot sex hit me. It was eye opening. The lines being read made me consider that
I may like some “other” things in the boudoir.
It wasn’t just the obvious spanking, restraining, and hair pulling that
intrigued me. I never realized trust and decision-making or the relinquishing of control were such sexy
things. These are important to me and I
rely on them on a daily basis, a bazillion times a day. I am a control freak! To turn trust over to someone to make the decisions
and keep me safe while in such a vulnerable situation, I never realized that these
things could raise my intimacy to the next level. I trust my husband and he makes decisions all
of the time, but I always feel the need to maintain a level of order and
supervision. All I do all day long is
make decisions, as a mother, wife, running a household, & as a business
owner. Could I find it in myself to let
go and free myself of this burden, just for a small amount of time to achieve
this intense intimacy? It could be
liberating and mind-blowing.
As I reached about half way through the second book, I
became disheartened. All the
anticipation and excitement had now worn off and I was starting to compare my real
life to this fantasy. I started a crude
and callous evaluation of myself. I was
a shell of who I thought I would be at this time in my life. What was I lacking? I have all of the main components that look
great from the outside, like a great husband and daughter, a beautiful home, a
business, but where were the main components that matter deep down to my inner
being? Myself. My. Own. Self.
Was I happy? Was I
enough for my marriage? Did my husband
feel passion for me anymore? How could he
have passion for me if I did not have passion for myself? I was coming apart at the seams. This is right about the time when I wrote my
previous post titled My Sister To The Rescue, where I
revealed the details of a breakdown I had at my sister’s house. I was wondering if I was failing at my life,
my marriage, as a mother, at my business. All of the “what could have been’s” were
running through my mind. Was I going to
be a good enough example for my daughter, a strong enough role model? Will I be able to
emphasize to see the world and explore who she is and what she wants, if I am
incomplete? How would she be able to
take advice from me? Am I enough for my
husband? Am I sexy
enough, strong enough, independent enough?
Professionally, how can I expect people to trust my opinion, when I
don’t trust myself? I am a 32 year old
that feels like a 12 year old. All of
these feelings were spinning around me and I was in the center of the tornado.
Then my revelation happened!
After crying it out to my sister and a day of analyzing all of the
thoughts running through my mind, I had an epiphany, many epiphanies. One after another, building on each other
like a volcano that was on the brink of eruption. It wasn’t everyone else; it was me, myself,
and I! I have all of these perceptions
of my relationships, and myself, but that is exactly what they were,
perceptions, not realities. The reality
is that I am amazing. I have the most
loving husband who thinks I am damn sexy.
My daughter thinks I’m a great mom.
I have family and friends around me that are loving and supportive. My business is slow because I have not put
energy into it, not because I am bad at what I do. I found the strength in myself that I had so
carelessly and absentmindedly forgot I possessed. I got married, bought a house, and become a new
mother in a matter of a couple of years, and I lost myself in it all. I finally remembered that I could do
anything. I recently lost twenty pounds
(first time I have stuck to a goal since graduating from college). I built a fence in my garden, a damn strong
fence and I stood by that fence with a glass of wine in my hand and a huge
smile on my face, feeling pride. Pride
in myself. I had misplaced those
feelings for myself. I am a smart strong
woman that has great ideas who can establish goals and not just meet them, but
surpass them.
At this point I had finished all three books, amazing, I
might add. At the risk of sounding
cliché, these books have changed my life and not in a sex deprived attention
starved housewife kind of way. Maybe it
was perfect timing, divine intervention, or just simply that all the things in
my life aligned perfectly? Who
knows? But I am back. Self aware, empowered, reassured, sexy,
smart, & confident. People are
looking at me and treating me differently.
Is this because I am acting differently?
Is this because I am different? It
is because I am finally seeing what has always been here. What we give off is what we get back. If I feel sexy, I am sexier. If I feel happy, I am happier. Only I can change the things that need
changing in my life. I have to be happy
to expect people to see happiness. I
have realized that my husband is not just trying to “get laid”, he actually
thinks I am a sexy being and wants me, all of me.
I think women could learn some important life lessons when
reading these books. Let us all walk
taller, feel sexier, and be happier. We
need to worry less of what others think of us and focus on what we think of
ourselves. As women , we need to support
each other, appreciate each other's beauty and accomplishments, not knock each
other down. Embracing each other will
make us stronger individuals. When did
it become impossible to be sexy, smart, strong, and confident all at the same
time? I feel as if we are taught that it
is impossible to possess all of these qualities equally and still be
successful. It seems extremely difficult
to be smart and strong while being sexy and confident in our society and still
be taken seriously and without ridicule.
Woman’s liberation should be about utilizing everything we have, not
just our minds. We can exude sex without
demeaning ourselves; we can be empowered by it.
I have realized that I can have control, control of myself and how I
choose to be, how I choose to feel, and what I choose to accomplish.
Most importantly, I am taking away from these books appreciation
and realization. I now appreciate each
and every day and I realize all that I have and all that I am. My business is transforming and becoming
revitalized now that I am putting effort into it. My life has become more organized and less
stressful, even as I am accomplishing more.
My daughter is amazing! When the
stress of parenthood comes along, I remind myself of all the happiness she
brings into our lives and that she is only three so I need to exercise a bit of patients. I can let go and lose control a little and
everything will still be okay, maybe things will be even better. I have an amazing, hard working husband that
loves me. Our relationship has only
become better because I am accepting of all the happiness and love he gives. Our intimacy has grown to a new level and the
great sex is icing on the cake! I am
fulfilled: my mind, my body, and my soul.
And now, maybe I shall read them again!
Until next time,
Blair
P.S.
My pick for who should play Christian and Ana if these books
become a movie…
Gabrielle Macht and Emmy Rossum (pictures from fanpop.com & buzzlogin.com)
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