Last Friday we went to my sister's house for a yummy dinner and some much needed family time. As we watched our kids play together in the next room and our husbands drinking beer, grilling, & chit chatting, we started to catch up on what was going on in our lives the past week. All of a sudden, a wave a emotion came over me and I realized that I had some heavy things weighing on my shoulders and didn't even realize it.
Right there! Sitting right in my sister's kitchen, I began to have a meltdown. We were just talking about life in general and in my brain was a gigantic brick wall tumbling down, first just a few bricks at a time and then it was a full on demolition! Where was this coming from?
I realized that there was something going on here, and it needed out of my subconscious or I was going to implode. So instead, I exploded. I exploded with tears. They came so fast and I could not stop them. I started having these tiny revelations and the kept coming like dominoes set in detailed design, I tapped the first one and the rest just kept going.
Am I depressed? Am I unhappy? Am I a failure? I had a couple tastes of success in the past few weeks and I start to question my entire being. I built a fence! Yes, me, myself, and I. (Much to the chagrin of the old man at the hardware store who said to me while I was purchasing the items, "YOU are going to build the fence?") I also, for the first time in my life, stuck to a healthier way of eating and it worked (novel concept, I know). I get this taste in my mouth and as I am talking to my sister, I realize that it has been far too long since I have had these feelings. Feelings of success, accomplishment, confidence, and just plain being proud of myself. The, let me take a step back and pat myself on the shoulder feeling.
Who have I become? I am the wife of an amazingly hard working man. The mother of an adorable and smart almost three year old. But who am I? I have forgotten! Maybe this is why I am having these feelings of melancholy.
I start to evaluate my life. How I feel about all things that I deal with on a daily basis. How I feel that my business is failing, how my husband seems to cringe when he walks in the door from work, and how I am losing control of my daughter. The tears are pouring out even harder. I look to make sure my daughter is still involved with the toys in the next room, I peek to see if my husband is still involved in guy talk with my brother-in-law, and I continue to cry.
As I am trying to articulate all of these erratic feelings and I start to realize what my problem is. When you are a stay-at-home mom, taking care of your child, cleaning, cooking, keeping your home and family organized, you start to lose pieces of yourself. At least this is how I was feeling and I was not putting two and two together. Something deep inside that was sneaking up on me, without even realizing it was there, let alone what it was. From all the day to day things that I do, to the nonstop decision making, to the fear of hoping I am doing it all right, I was exhausted. It had taken a mental toll on me and I was just beginning to realize it. Sure I know I'm tired all the time, but this was different. This was a revelation!
It was like I was watching an emergency surgery and the doctors were losing their patient. The alarms started sounding and the paddles came out. CLEAR! One thump, and nothing but a consistent buzz and a flat line. CLEAR! I hear again. Again, nothing but a buzzing flat line. Again, CLEAR! And finally, beep, beep, beep. And relief fills the air. The patient is back. She has been brought back from the brink.
I realized that I am not a failure at business, that the market is bad and I will be successful when we reorganize and restructure. The downtime has allowed me to put in more effort and time with my daughter. I realized that my husband doesn't cringe when he walks in the door. I do, I worry so much that I am doing a good job that I overlook how much he is in love with me. How hot he thinks I am, how thankful he is that I am able to stay at home with our daughter. How money is tight, but it's OK because we are a team. I realize that my daughter is about to turn three. She is testing me every inch of the way because that is how she learns. I realize that if I am happy, happiness will come pouring back to me. When I am sad, it's like a filter on a camera. Everything is perceived differently, you have to choose how you want to experience your life. I choose to be happy! What a relief, the weight has been lifted!
The whole time I was going through this range of emotion, thankfully, my sister listened with an non-judging ear, giving me advice, playing devil's advocate, and just plain being there to listen. I couldn't imagine having gone through all this without her help. She talked me down, walked with me, hugged me, and was my sister!
Thank you Allie! I love you!
Until Next Time,
Blair
No comments:
Post a Comment