My Own Fifty Shades, An Evolution Of Emotions…

Before I even started Fifty Shades Of Grey, I had many assumptions because of all the talk regarding these books.  It was mommy porn (nothing wrong with that), it was just a housewife’s fantasies, and it was filled with kinky dominating sex.  At one point I even heard that it was demeaning to women.  I was a bit reluctant to read them at first, but realizing that these books where becoming a pop culture staple, I gave in.

Once I began to read, I was filled with anticipation.  I loved this book and I had not even read about the kinky sex yet!  The wonder of what was coming would not allow me to put the book down.  I was addicted.  I wanted Christian Grey and wanted to be Anastasia Steele.  Then bam!  Finally, the hot sex hit me.  It was eye opening.  The lines being read made me consider that I may like some “other” things in the boudoir.  It wasn’t just the obvious spanking, restraining, and hair pulling that intrigued me.  I never realized trust and decision-making or the relinquishing of control were such sexy things.  These are important to me and I rely on them on a daily basis, a bazillion times a day.  I am a control freak!  To turn trust over to someone to make the decisions and keep me safe while in such a vulnerable situation, I never realized that these things could raise my intimacy to the next level.  I trust my husband and he makes decisions all of the time, but I always feel the need to maintain a level of order and supervision.  All I do all day long is make decisions, as a mother, wife, running a household, & as a business owner.  Could I find it in myself to let go and free myself of this burden, just for a small amount of time to achieve this intense intimacy?  It could be liberating and mind-blowing.

As I reached about half way through the second book, I became disheartened.  All the anticipation and excitement had now worn off and I was starting to compare my real life to this fantasy.  I started a crude and callous evaluation of myself.  I was a shell of who I thought I would be at this time in my life.  What was I lacking?  I have all of the main components that look great from the outside, like a great husband and daughter, a beautiful home, a business, but where were the main components that matter deep down to my inner being?  Myself.  My.  Own.  Self.

Was I happy?  Was I enough for my marriage?  Did my husband feel passion for me anymore?  How could he have passion for me if I did not have passion for myself?  I was coming apart at the seams.  This is right about the time when I wrote my previous post titled My Sister To The Rescue, where I revealed the details of a breakdown I had at my sister’s house.  I was wondering if I was failing at my life, my marriage, as a mother, at my business.   All of the “what could have been’s” were running through my mind.  Was I going to be a good enough example for my daughter, a strong enough role model?  Will I be able to emphasize to see the world and explore who she is and what she wants, if I am incomplete?  How would she be able to take advice from me?  Am I enough for my husband?  Am I sexy enough, strong enough, independent enough?  Professionally, how can I expect people to trust my opinion, when I don’t trust myself?  I am a 32 year old that feels like a 12 year old.  All of these feelings were spinning around me and I was in the center of the tornado.

Then my revelation happened!  After crying it out to my sister and a day of analyzing all of the thoughts running through my mind, I had an epiphany, many epiphanies.  One after another, building on each other like a volcano that was on the brink of eruption.  It wasn’t everyone else; it was me, myself, and I!  I have all of these perceptions of my relationships, and myself, but that is exactly what they were, perceptions, not realities.  The reality is that I am amazing.  I have the most loving husband who thinks I am damn sexy.  My daughter thinks I’m a great mom.  I have family and friends around me that are loving and supportive.  My business is slow because I have not put energy into it, not because I am bad at what I do.  I found the strength in myself that I had so carelessly and absentmindedly forgot I possessed.  I got married, bought a house, and become a new mother in a matter of a couple of years, and I lost myself in it all.  I finally remembered that I could do anything.  I recently lost twenty pounds (first time I have stuck to a goal since graduating from college).  I built a fence in my garden, a damn strong fence and I stood by that fence with a glass of wine in my hand and a huge smile on my face, feeling pride.  Pride in myself.  I had misplaced those feelings for myself.  I am a smart strong woman that has great ideas who can establish goals and not just meet them, but surpass them.

At this point I had finished all three books, amazing, I might add.  At the risk of sounding cliché, these books have changed my life and not in a sex deprived attention starved housewife kind of way.  Maybe it was perfect timing, divine intervention, or just simply that all the things in my life aligned perfectly?  Who knows?  But I am back.  Self aware, empowered, reassured, sexy, smart, & confident.  People are looking at me and treating me differently.  Is this because I am acting differently?  Is this because I am different?  It is because I am finally seeing what has always been here.  What we give off is what we get back.  If I feel sexy, I am sexier.  If I feel happy, I am happier.  Only I can change the things that need changing in my life.  I have to be happy to expect people to see happiness.  I have realized that my husband is not just trying to “get laid”, he actually thinks I am a sexy being and wants me, all of me.

I think women could learn some important life lessons when reading these books.  Let us all walk taller, feel sexier, and be happier.  We need to worry less of what others think of us and focus on what we think of ourselves.  As women , we need to support each other, appreciate each other's beauty and accomplishments, not knock each other down.  Embracing each other will make us stronger individuals.  When did it become impossible to be sexy, smart, strong, and confident all at the same time?  I feel as if we are taught that it is impossible to possess all of these qualities equally and still be successful.  It seems extremely difficult to be smart and strong while being sexy and confident in our society and still be taken seriously and without ridicule.  Woman’s liberation should be about utilizing everything we have, not just our minds.  We can exude sex without demeaning ourselves; we can be empowered by it.  I have realized that I can have control, control of myself and how I choose to be, how I choose to feel, and what I choose to accomplish.

Most importantly, I am taking away from these books appreciation and realization.  I now appreciate each and every day and I realize all that I have and all that I am.  My business is transforming and becoming revitalized now that I am putting effort into it.  My life has become more organized and less stressful, even as I am accomplishing more.  My daughter is amazing!  When the stress of parenthood comes along, I remind myself of all the happiness she brings into our lives and that she is only three so I need to exercise a bit of patients.  I can let go and lose control a little and everything will still be okay, maybe things will be even better.  I have an amazing, hard working husband that loves me.  Our relationship has only become better because I am accepting of all the happiness and love he gives.  Our intimacy has grown to a new level and the great sex is icing on the cake!  I am fulfilled: my mind, my body, and my soul.

And now, maybe I shall read them again!

Until next time,

Blair

P.S.

My pick for who should play Christian and Ana if these books become a movie…

Gabrielle Macht and Emmy Rossum (pictures from fanpop.com & buzzlogin.com)

Yes, I Built A Fence!

In my previous post, I mentioned building a fence myself.  I thought I would share some pictures of it with you.  I also did the flagstone path.  I hope you enjoy!

I knew I could do it!  My vision is coming to life.  What a great feeling!

Until Next Time,
Blair

My Sister To The Rescue

Last Friday we went to my sister's house for a yummy dinner and some much needed family time.  As we watched our kids play together in the next room and our husbands drinking beer, grilling, & chit chatting, we started to catch up on what was going on in our lives the past week.  All of a sudden, a wave a emotion came over me and I realized that I had some heavy things weighing on my shoulders and didn't even realize it.
Right there!  Sitting right in my sister's kitchen, I began to have a meltdown.  We were just talking about life in general and in my brain was a gigantic brick wall tumbling down, first just a few bricks at a time and then it was a full on demolition!  Where was this coming from?
I realized that there was something going on here, and it needed out of my subconscious or I was going to implode.  So instead, I exploded.  I exploded with tears.  They came so fast and I could not stop them. I started having these tiny revelations and the kept coming like dominoes set in detailed design, I tapped the first one and the rest just kept going.
Am I depressed?  Am I unhappy?  Am I a failure?  I had a couple tastes of success in the past few weeks and I start to question my entire being.  I built a fence!  Yes, me, myself, and I.  (Much to the chagrin of the old man at the hardware store who said to me while I was purchasing the items, "YOU are going to build the fence?")  I also, for the first time in my life, stuck to a healthier way of eating and it worked (novel concept, I know).  I get this taste in my mouth and as I am talking to my sister, I realize that it has been far too long since I have had these feelings.  Feelings of success, accomplishment, confidence, and just plain being proud of myself.  The, let me take a step back and pat myself on the shoulder feeling.
Who have I become?  I am the wife of an amazingly hard working man.  The mother of an adorable and smart almost three year old.  But who am I?  I have forgotten!  Maybe this is why I am having these feelings of melancholy.
I start to evaluate my life.  How I feel about all things that I deal with on a daily basis.  How I feel that my business is failing, how my husband seems to cringe when he walks in the door from work, and how I am losing control of my daughter.  The tears are pouring out even harder.  I look to make sure my daughter is still involved with the toys in the next room, I peek to see if my husband is still involved in guy talk with my brother-in-law, and I continue to cry.
As I am trying to articulate all of these erratic feelings and I start to realize what my problem is.  When you are a stay-at-home mom, taking care of your child, cleaning, cooking, keeping your home and family organized, you start to lose pieces of yourself.  At least this is how I was feeling and I was not putting two and two together.  Something deep inside that was sneaking up on me, without even realizing it was there, let alone what it was.  From all the day to day things that I do, to the nonstop decision making, to the fear of hoping I am doing it all right, I was exhausted.  It had taken a mental toll on me and I was just beginning to realize it.  Sure I know I'm tired all the time, but this was different.  This was a revelation!
It was like I was watching an emergency surgery and the doctors were losing their patient.  The alarms started sounding and the paddles came out.  CLEAR!  One thump, and nothing but a consistent buzz and a flat line.  CLEAR!  I hear again.  Again, nothing but a buzzing flat line.  Again, CLEAR! And finally, beep, beep, beep.  And relief fills the air.  The patient is back.  She has been brought back from the brink.
I realized that I am not a failure at business, that the market is bad and I will be successful when we reorganize and restructure.  The downtime has allowed me to put in more effort and time with my daughter.  I realized that my husband doesn't cringe when he walks in the door.  I do, I worry so much that I am doing a good job that I overlook how much he is in love with me.  How hot he thinks I am, how thankful he is that I am able to stay at home with our daughter.  How money is tight, but it's OK because we are a team.  I realize that my daughter is about to turn three.  She is testing me every inch of the way because that is how she learns.  I realize that if I am happy, happiness will come pouring back to me.  When I am sad, it's like a filter on a camera.  Everything is perceived differently, you have to choose how you want to experience your life.  I choose to be happy!  What a relief, the weight has been lifted!
The whole time I was going through this range of emotion, thankfully, my sister listened with an non-judging ear, giving me advice, playing devil's advocate, and just plain being there to listen.  I couldn't imagine having gone through all this without her help.  She talked me down, walked with me, hugged me, and was my sister!
Thank you Allie!  I love you!

Until Next Time,
Blair